She Lead the Way

I am not sure what I'm going to talk in this post. I just want to write from long time ago, and today is finally the day :)

I currently facing the truth that I am growing every single day. Some changes feel so strange and not acceptable (well I'm still trying to get used to it, tho), some other are finally open my mind, my eyes, and my perspective about how you manage the risk of your own-big-decision. My days are completely colored by worry, anxiety, and uncertainty of the future, yet the other side I found the joy that I've been waiting.

Source: Pinterest

Decided to go out from my comfort zone, try different circle, freely choose where I will spend the day to work is really challenging to me. Today I might be cry a lot like a teenage kid losing her popularity, and the next day I completely become different person; open, relax, and let everything goes like a river. I constantly asking myself, define about the decision I took, and try to find the answer;

is this the right decision or wrong one? 

I fight and questioned myself about this kind of stupid wonders almost every single day to find the best answer (up until now, even though not as much as I used to). It spent lots of my energy, my mind filled by negativity and I pulled myself from everyone. I become several kind of person as the days goes by. 

Born and raised in a spiritual family, has taught me that hope can only assigned to the Almighty. But it is not easy when the thing that (seemed) really into you, is eventually not belong to you. It is hard if I have to reminiscing the effort and then knowing the fact that it still not enough. Sometimes I wish people should created without having a wishful thinking, and let everything goes on its way. Because it feel awful defeated for many times. It grow endless self-disappointment, causing me trying to find wrong thing in this personality. 

Remember that I pulled myself from everyone? Yes even my best friend. I didn't feel that we are in the same line anymore. Everything felt like a competition of what we become right now. How awful the way I thought! I am not sure if I could back on track, but I finally tried to open to the person I trust and wise enough to encourage. Yes it help, but still, life is trying to dance around with me in uncertainty 

Manage the negativity to not overpowering is exhausting, yet I am still struggling to digest every good and bad pieces in my mind. But at the end, I lead my own way. I (should) know how and where to sail.