I'm still wearing my dress and about to vomit since I ate too much food tonight. People are finally home and eventually, I have a time to sit down and write. Well, tomorrow is my sis's wedding day and we just had a family diner, while talking about tomorrow's event. In the midst of wedding wishes for my sis, there was also a glimpse of wishes for me, as today is my birthday (well I write it when it still 3rd of March lol)

Yes, I hit 25 years old this year. Thank God, Alhamdulillah. But I just realized that for the very first time in my life, I am not excited anymore about the idea of getting older. I woke up today and wished that people would forgot my birthday.

It's kinda awkward, because I used to be that girl who thought "how could people hate their own birthday? why they hate the day when they born in this world?" but don't get me wrong, I still like the idea of birthday things such as cake, blowing candle, make-a-wish moment, friends, surprises, you name it. But maybe what made me less-excited is because, I still haven't done enough in life. Many things I haven't done enough. Well, 25 years old is not a joke. I know some people at this age, already start something for their future; career, love-life, investment. I am still far behind that.

I am not who I am today. No matter how hard I pretend, one person still recognize that I looked so gloomy tonight. I am so happy for my sis, but something is wrong with me. I never thought that hit 25 years old would be this empty. Maybe is it just me.

Anyway, this feeling should lead me to keep looking and finding. Completing wishes that I still hold onto, perfecting my own version of perfection, and once again to embrace who I am.

Little me in the middle

Happy Birthday, Fira. 
I know you haven't done enough, but I also know you've tried. 
Please do not giving up.

It's 2 hours away to 2018 and here I am sitting on my room, writing down what I've been through during 2017 to reminiscing what was bad, and what was good.

Not like any typical new year's eve I used to had, today is about myself. I'd like to take my time to think about what was going on in 2017. I sums-up this year as a roller coaster, especially on my career. I kick-off the year with an opportunity to watched Coldplay's live concert in Singapore and I can barely remember any other things better in early 2017 until I hit the mid year and decided to finish my career as a Business Analyst.

Well, I must say that this year is a turning point on my career, a year of taking risk. After spent 2 years in IT & Business Consulting Company, I took my chance to be in another business. I just think that I deserve some new things in my career. Big company was my destination to settle down. But somehow, I ended up in a Creative Industry Business; the field that I always dream of to work at. It is not that bad after all but still, it's hard to adapt in a new business, new culture, and new salary - even for Pisces. But so far, I enjoy the job and I've learned many things already and I cannot wait for more knowledge to absorb.

During my job-search period, I spent months questioning about self-values. So many 'why' questions that ruined my optimism, yet create new perspectives (one of the 'new thing' that I wish I could find). I shared some thoughts with my friend who had the same issues like mine (actually) but I never realized as he is so smart to hide it, that I need to learn from him :p

So that was my year. I was kidding when I said I can barely remember any other things better in early 2017 hahahaha of course I had many happy things during 2017! But it must be too cliches to write down here. One thing for sure, I will embrace this year with a grateful feeling no matter what, as I survived another year in this world as a rookie. I'll make it count, won't waste. Good health and wealth awaits insyaAllah.. 

Happy New Year, 

Fira x

I am not sure what I'm going to talk in this post. I just want to write from long time ago, and today is finally the day :)

I currently facing the truth that I am growing every single day. Some changes feel so strange and not acceptable (well I'm still trying to get used to it, tho), some other are finally open my mind, my eyes, and my perspective about how you manage the risk of your own-big-decision. My days are completely colored by worry, anxiety, and uncertainty of the future, yet the other side I found the joy that I've been waiting.

Source: Pinterest

Decided to go out from my comfort zone, try different circle, freely choose where I will spend the day to work is really challenging to me. Today I might be cry a lot like a teenage kid losing her popularity, and the next day I completely become different person; open, relax, and let everything goes like a river. I constantly asking myself, define about the decision I took, and try to find the answer;

is this the right decision or wrong one? 

I fight and questioned myself about this kind of stupid wonders almost every single day to find the best answer (up until now, even though not as much as I used to). It spent lots of my energy, my mind filled by negativity and I pulled myself from everyone. I become several kind of person as the days goes by. 

Born and raised in a spiritual family, has taught me that hope can only assigned to the Almighty. But it is not easy when the thing that (seemed) really into you, is eventually not belong to you. It is hard if I have to reminiscing the effort and then knowing the fact that it still not enough. Sometimes I wish people should created without having a wishful thinking, and let everything goes on its way. Because it feel awful defeated for many times. It grow endless self-disappointment, causing me trying to find wrong thing in this personality. 

Remember that I pulled myself from everyone? Yes even my best friend. I didn't feel that we are in the same line anymore. Everything felt like a competition of what we become right now. How awful the way I thought! I am not sure if I could back on track, but I finally tried to open to the person I trust and wise enough to encourage. Yes it help, but still, life is trying to dance around with me in uncertainty 

Manage the negativity to not overpowering is exhausting, yet I am still struggling to digest every good and bad pieces in my mind. But at the end, I lead my own way. I (should) know how and where to sail.